VERY MUCH ON PURPOSE

THE INEVITABLE CAR CARR ANALOGY

Warren Buffett is one of the world’s wealthiest men – and no, it’s not because he invented the buffet. I checked.

Buffett once gave the following piece of advice in an interview. Imagine he buys you the car of your dreams, whatever car you want. The only catch is that one car will have to last you the rest of your life.

How are you going to treat that car? You’re going to read the manual, keep it garaged, fix any problems right away, right? You will baby that car, because it’s for life.

Warren Buffett – a guy who could buy any car he wants, he could buy Ford, not a Ford car, the company Ford – turns this little fantasy into an analogy: your body is the car, you are the vehicle.

It’s a great analogy, because it’s all about the journey, not the destination (I see we’re already ahead of our quota for self-help clichés). Absolutely true, especially if you remember the destination in life is death (bummer, right?).

Now, let’s drive that analogy into the ground. Come on. You are the car. You have the car you have. The vehicle is you, your physical body and your mental health. Fill it with the cheapest, shittiest fuel, what do you think is going to happen? Yes, you can always get some work done under the hood, maybe pimp it up, but your car is what you’re going to be riding in for the rest of your life. If you find a guy who does good bodywork, that’s a personal trainer.

But of course, we don’t start out behind the wheel. We all start out the same – as a passenger. You sit in the back seat of Mummy and Daddy’s car shouting, ‘Are we there yet?’

Then you turn sixteen, you have more freedom but really, you’re just going on mini jaunts and maybe taking a joyride or two. You’re pushing buttons wondering, ‘What does this one do?’

An education is your first big toll road. Going to university is expensive. Is it worth it? I don’t know, you tell me.

Around this point, you might want to ask yourself, ‘Who’s driving? Is it still Mummy and Daddy?’ It’s a bit of a grey area.

When you eventually settle on where you want to go, there are different roads. Some people keep on track, they stay in their lane. If you want to be a doctor, you know what route to take. That road has been taken many times before, they’ve got good signage up. You know you’ll need excellent results in maths, chemistry and biology. The next step is pretty clear, and the next, and the next. Even if you fail, you can dust yourself off and get back on track.

Or maybe you’re more like me, you go off-road. There have been other people who have become comics before, but the path isn’t exactly obvious. It’s there, but it’s a single-track road, not a motorway, and there are no road signs.

I was driving in the wrong direction when I set out. And there’s no roundabout on that corporate highway. I had to make a handbrake turn and drive across the central reservation. It was a little bumpy for a while.

And then there are some people who never even take the car out to see what it can do. They might have an Aston Martin and all they do is look at it. They polish it, but it just sits in the driveway. What a waste. You want to see how fast and how far it’ll go, you want to know what happens if you floor it, right? Those are people who haven’t fulfilled their potential and it’s a heartbreaker.

Conversely, you meet people who were never going to make it – they had the wrong vehicle for the trip – but they had determination, and they ended up someplace further down the road. Great. Sleeper cars look like standard cars but with a turbocharged engine and a nitrous switch. These are people who maybe don’t look like anything special, but then WOW – Ed Sheeran, anyone?

Some people’s lives are a continuous car crash. You strain your neck rubbernecking to catch a glimpse of the ball of flames by the side of the road.

Sometimes, the car actually can’t be for life, no matter what Mr Buffett says. If you kick your shotgun passenger out of the car halfway, you are going to have to stop and sell your nice car and buy two shittier cars. And if you have kids, that’s going to be a lot of stopping on hard shoulders. Any baggage is ‘emotional’ baggage.

I’m really waterboarding the metaphor here.

There are detours. Some people decide to take the scenic route and that’s always nice. But then some people take the scenic route and get lost. Those who get lost, run out of fuel and get stuck with no cell phone reception are the dumb fucks who never stop to ask directions.

Still other people get distracted and fall asleep at the wheel (clock watching in data entry).

And then some people are driving in circles. Comedy has a thing called ‘the circuit’ and at first, you are desperate to get on it. But you don’t want to stay on it. You want to be on it and then, at some point, take off.

Ask yourself, what road are you on right now? Bumpy or boring? Heading in the right direction or have you ditched the map? And who’s in the car with you? It’s going to be a long trip. Four kids, huh? Are you sure? If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.

Now I’m on a road, there’s someone sitting in the passenger seat and a little guy in the back. Occasionally, there’s some stopping for nappy changes but, luckily, just for this kid still. It’s worth noting, if I’d got on this road in my early twenties, I’d be looking for the exit ramp right about now. It’s all about timing.

‘Never complain, never explain.’

Jimmy